Butt Kicked

Frustration - best sums up how I'm feeling now. For days now, I've been trying to pen the perfect cover letter for a job opportunity I'm coveting these days. I like teaching. It's stressful. I know most jobs are. But I really feel a pull towards writing these days; an itch to get my pen to the paper or rather, fingers to the keyboard. I've never thought of myself as a creative person; I used to dismiss the idea of my being creative in any form. But I like to write. It's satisfying. It helps me gather my thoughts. I'm not saying that I'm good at it, not at all. I really really need to finish this cover letter. I'm so good at procrastinating. With a cover letter to write, fingers to get fingerprinted and papers to grade, I can come up with a million other things to occupy myself. Mustn't let resistance get the best of me!

Unnie

Unni,

I found out, early on Friday morning, that you had slipped away the day before. I'd had no inkling that you were that sick - all my fault. I was so preoccupied with my own life, my own petty problems, that, instead of inquiring about your condition, I satisfied myself by hearing about your hospital ins and outs through my mom, who got the news from my aunt, who was kept informed through text messages from your brother. I'd gotten to the ALP office around 6 in the morning. As per usual, I checked my Facebook first. I opened a message from Sunmee unni. She wrote about you, about how shocked she was to hear the news, and she wanted me to call her. I knew. Scared, and with some dread, I dialed my home. I immediately asked my mom, who confirmed the news of your death. I remember hanging up and shaking. The tears started to come, as I sat in my cubicle. A coworker came over and rubbed my back, while others offered tissues. Somehow, I managed to stop crying for four hours to teach my two classes. The rest of the day was spent curled up in my pajamas. I cried while talking with Debbie. With Hye Sun. With my brother. I cried while watching tv. I cried with talking with my mom. Right now, as I type this, I just feel numb. It shouldn't be true - you shouldn't have left so soon. Yesterday, I felt angry that you hadn't shared how sick you were with your friends. Didn't you know how precious and important and beloved you were/ are? Why didn't you know? It's as though you wanted to leave quietly, without letting others know, as some people do at gatherings. Unni, I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. How proud and blessed I feel to have been your friend, someone you counted as a friend. I imagined you, Sunmee unni and I, meeting up for years, whether in Korea or in other countries. We should still have 50 years left. At the same time though, I feel joy. I know you're with God now, and you've met your mom. You loved her so much, as she loved you. But I can't even begin to comprehend how your father and younger brother are doing now. This is all too sudden.

Resistance is not futile!

I've started reading "The War of Art" again. The author mentions the main origin of resistance - the self. One of the forms of resistance is procrastination. Procrastination and I are likethis. We've been besties for years because he/she (?) has been a hugely integral part of my life ever since I was but a wee child. For example, because of Procrastination, I put off joining a cell group for nearly a DECADE. I've finally joined one - but my prayer life is so stagnant and my prayers feel so weak and without conviction. I've wanted to lose about 15 pounds for YEARS - and I've finally started to wean myself off sugar and empty carbs. I've been meaning to improve my Korean for YEARS - and I've finally just dusted off my texts from Yonsei so I can remember and improve. Procrastination is a sly beast. I wouldn't consider myself a creative person - I can't even draw a decent stick figure. But I enjoy putting my thoughts into words. I think I was afraid to process and to draw my thoughts out on paper - which is why I've started quite a few blogs and let them die quietly. As Lazy Girl Rambling, though, let's hope I'm more successful!

The rest of 2011, I vow to kick Resistance and Procrastination's asses. No more letting my ass spread on the sofa while watching Law and Order marathons. No more WISHING I could do this, I could be that. I will do it, I will become it.

Vacation

It's day 3 of my 18-day long break. When I was a child, my vacations would be filled with days at the hakwon and miscellaneous workbooks. Now that I'm regulating my time, I need to make sure that it's spent fruitfully and wisely. I'm still figuring it out. I have a few days left until Chicago, so in the meantime, I've been meaning to spend some time studying Korean and exercising. Eek I left out God. I need to spend more time with God. After years away from small groups, I've finallly joined one. There are about 11 ladies, ranging in age from early twenties to about early - 40s. An eclectic mix, to be sure. It's weird - with age, I notice that I've become more confident, or more I - don't - care about certain things, while becoming even more awkward and self- conscious in other areas. For example, I've become more self - conscious about praying out loud in public. Maybe it's because my prayer life has become so irregular and unsatisfactory that it's become a foreign language of sorts to me. Whatever the case, I'm glad I finally did join a small group. I'm looking forward to God's blessings and being encouraged.

Renewal

I visited the Tim Burton exhibit at LACMA today with my friend Stella. Truth be told, I'm not artistically inclined in any way at all - my pencil drawings look like they were drawn by a kindergartener, and if I am drawn to a piece of art, I can't explain the attraction. I have no artistic sensibilities. I was amazed by how prolific Tim Burton was - his doodles, his pen/pencil scratches, everything that he produced over the years was documented in this exhibit. And then I realized - he may have been born with the talent, but he nurtured it. He kept trying, creating, producing. And it sounds like a little thing - but when you think about the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years he spent improving his art, the sheer dedication and focus is completely amazing. Today's exhibit spoke to me in a way that no other exhibit has before.

I created this blog so that I could have a space for my thoughts - but I've hardly even made a dent. Truly, I picked the best name for this blog because it describes me exactly. I can't think of how amazing it'll be to look back and read entries written when I was another person. So I'll continue to write, struggle, and grow. I'm thankful for this space.

Fear

I was born into a Christian family - Christian great-grandparents, Christian grandparents, and Christian parents. I've gone to church all my life, yet in my adult life, I haven't been baptized yet. Today, quite a few people were baptized at the church I've been attending (I won't allow myself to call it my church quite yet). To be honest, I feel jealous of people who can sing praises to God with their eyes closed, hands reaching upward, without the slightest bit of self-consciousness. I feel jealous of people who can call him "Abba, Father," and know that they are His, completely. Jealousy is such a weird emotion. I just wish I could do the same. Jealousy is real, and it's human. But it's not pretty because it's so closely related to Dissatisfaction, Envy, and Bitterness. All of which I've been experiencing in pretty healthy doses these days. When I pray, I pray for contentment and joy. Being able to feel happy for others when they have what I want, without feeling bitter or envious about it. I pray that I will experience joy in my profession and fulfillment and thanksgiving in being able to teach. I want to teach well. No, I want to become an excellent teacher. But it's so damn hard.

Forward and Onward

So... Insanity lasted only 3 days. Rather, I lasted 3 days on Insanity and went back to trusty old Bob and Jillian. I told a friend the other day that it felt like 2011 would be a good year - full of promise and new, bright things on the horizon. God has blessed me with a part-time teaching job at a familiar school nearby, and there's a possibility of yet another p/t teaching position. Two of my close friends have had babies recently, so I'm head over heels with two baby boys who've stolen my heart with their gummy grins and their sweet baby smells. Don't even get me started on their tiny fingers and toes... gahhh...

I'm reading "Clean", by Dr. Junger. I'm hoping it'll really push me to healthier eating and a healthier lifestyle overall. I'm talking about mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional health- all of it. I may have been in a physically healthier place last year in Daegu, but my spiritual life and emotional well-being were in serious need of healing. Pastor Keith's sermon really challenged me - I can't expect to be changed and get to know God if I don't get off my butt and make some real changes and take an active role in pursuing God. In trusting Him completely with my life. How can I say that I love God if I won't take these steps? I can't say it. That's the sobering truth.

Lastly, I let myself be very vulnerable to a boy last year and in the process, was hurt when it ended. The aftermath was a festering and increasingly painful wound - mostly self- inflicted, I see now. And I thought I was over it, and over him. Until. He emailed me, wanting to begin an email correspondence. We've been emailing back and forth for a few weeks and I thought I was all right with it until a friend challenged me and asked if I were really ok, or if I was deceiving myself. Am I? All I know is - I refuse to wallow in bitterness any longer. Never again.