Sunday, May 15, 2011
I was born into a Christian family - Christian great-grandparents, Christian grandparents, and Christian parents. I've gone to church all my life, yet in my adult life, I haven't been baptized yet. Today, quite a few people were baptized at the church I've been attending (I won't allow myself to call it my church quite yet). To be honest, I feel jealous of people who can sing praises to God with their eyes closed, hands reaching upward, without the slightest bit of self-consciousness. I feel jealous of people who can call him "Abba, Father," and know that they are His, completely. Jealousy is such a weird emotion. I just wish I could do the same. Jealousy is real, and it's human. But it's not pretty because it's so closely related to Dissatisfaction, Envy, and Bitterness. All of which I've been experiencing in pretty healthy doses these days. When I pray, I pray for contentment and joy. Being able to feel happy for others when they have what I want, without feeling bitter or envious about it. I pray that I will experience joy in my profession and fulfillment and thanksgiving in being able to teach. I want to teach well. No, I want to become an excellent teacher. But it's so damn hard.