Renewal

I visited the Tim Burton exhibit at LACMA today with my friend Stella. Truth be told, I'm not artistically inclined in any way at all - my pencil drawings look like they were drawn by a kindergartener, and if I am drawn to a piece of art, I can't explain the attraction. I have no artistic sensibilities. I was amazed by how prolific Tim Burton was - his doodles, his pen/pencil scratches, everything that he produced over the years was documented in this exhibit. And then I realized - he may have been born with the talent, but he nurtured it. He kept trying, creating, producing. And it sounds like a little thing - but when you think about the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years he spent improving his art, the sheer dedication and focus is completely amazing. Today's exhibit spoke to me in a way that no other exhibit has before.

I created this blog so that I could have a space for my thoughts - but I've hardly even made a dent. Truly, I picked the best name for this blog because it describes me exactly. I can't think of how amazing it'll be to look back and read entries written when I was another person. So I'll continue to write, struggle, and grow. I'm thankful for this space.

Fear

I was born into a Christian family - Christian great-grandparents, Christian grandparents, and Christian parents. I've gone to church all my life, yet in my adult life, I haven't been baptized yet. Today, quite a few people were baptized at the church I've been attending (I won't allow myself to call it my church quite yet). To be honest, I feel jealous of people who can sing praises to God with their eyes closed, hands reaching upward, without the slightest bit of self-consciousness. I feel jealous of people who can call him "Abba, Father," and know that they are His, completely. Jealousy is such a weird emotion. I just wish I could do the same. Jealousy is real, and it's human. But it's not pretty because it's so closely related to Dissatisfaction, Envy, and Bitterness. All of which I've been experiencing in pretty healthy doses these days. When I pray, I pray for contentment and joy. Being able to feel happy for others when they have what I want, without feeling bitter or envious about it. I pray that I will experience joy in my profession and fulfillment and thanksgiving in being able to teach. I want to teach well. No, I want to become an excellent teacher. But it's so damn hard.

Forward and Onward

So... Insanity lasted only 3 days. Rather, I lasted 3 days on Insanity and went back to trusty old Bob and Jillian. I told a friend the other day that it felt like 2011 would be a good year - full of promise and new, bright things on the horizon. God has blessed me with a part-time teaching job at a familiar school nearby, and there's a possibility of yet another p/t teaching position. Two of my close friends have had babies recently, so I'm head over heels with two baby boys who've stolen my heart with their gummy grins and their sweet baby smells. Don't even get me started on their tiny fingers and toes... gahhh...

I'm reading "Clean", by Dr. Junger. I'm hoping it'll really push me to healthier eating and a healthier lifestyle overall. I'm talking about mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional health- all of it. I may have been in a physically healthier place last year in Daegu, but my spiritual life and emotional well-being were in serious need of healing. Pastor Keith's sermon really challenged me - I can't expect to be changed and get to know God if I don't get off my butt and make some real changes and take an active role in pursuing God. In trusting Him completely with my life. How can I say that I love God if I won't take these steps? I can't say it. That's the sobering truth.

Lastly, I let myself be very vulnerable to a boy last year and in the process, was hurt when it ended. The aftermath was a festering and increasingly painful wound - mostly self- inflicted, I see now. And I thought I was over it, and over him. Until. He emailed me, wanting to begin an email correspondence. We've been emailing back and forth for a few weeks and I thought I was all right with it until a friend challenged me and asked if I were really ok, or if I was deceiving myself. Am I? All I know is - I refuse to wallow in bitterness any longer. Never again.

Insanity: Day 3

Today's wasn't so bad, except I still can't do regular push-ups. I need to work on my eating habits though.

Insanity: Day 2

Plyometrics. Sounds like fun, but really, it isn't. It's embarrassing but I can't do a single non-girl push-up. I hope I get there by the end of the 60 days... just 58 more to go.

Insanity: Day 1

The Fit Test wasn't as horrifying as I'd expected it to be. That said, I must admit that, just 2 hours later, my legs are starting to feel like jelly. Less than 30 minutes of jumping, squatting, and kicking left me sweating profusely and shocked at my lack of cardiovascular endurance. I'd actually bought the Insanity DVDs off Craigslist a few months back, but had never attempted any of the DVDs. My sister commented that, back in high school, I had been pretty fearless and dogged when it came to fitness; I remember hitting the gym twice a day. More than a decade later, I'm nowhere near as intrepid, much more cautious, and a great deal lazier. *sigh* Less than 100 days to get back into shape so I can rock the bridesmaid's dress. I'm doing this not only for me, but in a weird way, also for my sister. Feeling: oddly excited for tomorrow's workout.

Fat Flush

I bought the Fat Flush Plan book years ago, but never followed through on actually using it. I turned the big 3-0 this year, which put me in an unusually contemplative mood. I reflected on my relationship with God, my career, my state of (never-ending) singleness, and the 15 or so pounds I've wanted to lose for, oh, the past 10 years. It's now or never- so I'm going for it. Today's Day 4 of the plan, but I've cheated every. single. day so I'm going to count today as Day 1. Phase 1 lasts 2 weeks and so far, it's pretty much been an epic fail. Yesterday was the biggest fail by far; while watching late-night reruns of The Nanny and Roseanne (don't judge), I consumed 1/3 of a frozen Levain cooking and 1.5 Costco pizza slices. It was mindless eating, and I immediately regretted it after. Well, no more. Let's do this.